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Hello, Poop Machines! 'Tis I, Zonar the Superion, your mental superior. To show you how I am your cultural as well as intellectual superior, I have decided to begin reviewing movies... without even watching them! Really, after you've seen one or two there's really no need to catch the rest. So, without further delay, I bring you Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing!

This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

For months, when I'd hear about this film, I expected a heartening biographical account of the life of one of the most famous performers from the golden age of carnival sideshows. Imagine my dismay, will you, when, upon seeing the trailer, I find it is a vehicle for that damnable Latin heartthrob Antonio Banderas! And what's this? Lucy Liu, with her patented saucy attitude, kicking puny earthmen around, like so many children? Oh, cruel fates! Why, why have you done this to Zonar?

First get my hopes up with the possibility of seeing the Johnny Eck story come to the screen after lo, these many years. Then, tease me with delectable Miss Liu in a leatherette body suit whilst kicking oh so high and have it completely ruined by that Banderas! Why, Hollywood, must you torture me so?

Well, you shan't trick me into the theater with that jade tiger. Zonar cannot be had with the old bait and switch! Tactics such as these are better left to purveyors of washing machines and lawn mowers. I shall stay at home and watch my collection of "Ally McBeal" tapes, thank you all the same.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
The Banger Sisters

This movie is apparently NOT about what it sounds like it's about.

The final Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
The Four Feathers

As far as I can tell, young pretty people are in the desert shooting with accents in the 1960s or something, in one of your earth wars.

Where I come from, on the mighty planet of Superion, we have vast deserts which have never been despoiled by war. For you see, sand is a precious resource on Superion, one which we appreciate and guard for future generations. We would never dare dream of threatening a natural area with the ravages of heated battle, a lesson which you earth people should take to heart. War never solves anything. You only end up hurting yourselves and your home. Yes, those seas of golden grains remain pristine and untouched on Superion, saved for our giant pet cats, who can reach upwards of 150-200 palcrons in height (that's 150-200 feet, for you humans not in Europe).

Oh, so, anyway, the film looks rather dull. I shan't be seeing it.

Oh, how I miss my poor little Fluffy-Z-9!