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It's hard work for your mental superior, Zonar, to review these pieces of earthly cinematic drek every week. Granted, I'm not even seeing these films, but some of these other so-called "critics" are able to get lines from their reviews included within the studios' ads! Surely I deserve some sort of wider recognition from the general public! To this end, my reviews this week will be publicist friendly! I shall endeavor to come up with one-line bon mots which will make even the most slovenly among you rush out to see the latest piece of numbing slop at your local multi-plex theater. Get ready to copy away, studio flacks!

This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Sweet Home Alabama

"Three stars! Contains no Lynrd Skynrd music!"

"Reese Witherspoon's divorcing Ryan Phillippe for a new man- Oscar!"

"Patrick Dempsey isn't dead- he's in this movie!"

"Not nearly as soul-suckingly awful as the trailers would have you believe!"

"Even dullards can follow its simple plot!"

"Good thing Candy Bergen beat cancer for this!"

"If you see one film with stereotypical portrayals of dim, stupid, inbred Southerners this year, make it this one!"

"Fred Ward's best performance since 'Remo Williams!'"

"It's either this or the insipid Jackie Chan vehicle 'Tuxedo!'"

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
The Tuxedo

"This is one Tuxedo you don't want to rent!"

"The first film for those with a fetish for sentient clothing!"

"A desperate new start for Jennifer Love Hewitt!"

"Me rikey choppy velly much!"

"If you see one film with stereotypical portrayals of confused Asians who don't have a firm grasp on English and know the kung fu this year, make it this one!"

"Jennifer Love Hewitt has large mammary glands, used to terrific effect!"

"Maybe he'll do himself a grave injury this time!"

"It's either this or the insipid Reese Witherspoon vehicle 'Sweet Home Alabama!'"