ALSO:
» Ask Zonar
» Zonar's Store

This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
The Truth About Charlie

This is a remake of the classic 1963 film "Charade," which starred the incomprable Cary Grant and the divine Audrey Hepburn.

According to Hollywood math, then, Cary Grant=Mark "Marky-Mark-And-The-Funky-Bunch-And-Also-My-Brother-Was-In-New-Kids-On-The-Block" Wahlberg and Audrey Hepburn=Thandie "Who-The-Devil-Is-Thandie-Newton?" Newton.

Hm, here's an equation from your dear old Professor Zonar:

Hollywood=Insufferable Stinking Tripe.

Please read pages 35-473 in your text book for tomorrow's class.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Jackass: The Movie

There's a part of Zonar that wants to go and see this film, if only to watch stupid humans ride bikes off of cliffs, fall off roofs and repeatedly do great harm to their genital areas.

But, alas, I can save the $9.75 and still enjoy myself at home as I watch peddlers and neighborhood children flail around in the system of fishing line and piano wire I've set up in my yard.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Ghost Ship

Ghosts. On a ship. A "Ghost Ship," no less.

On Superion, my home planet, we have an enlightened view of the afterlife. We see it as a grand and glorious journey to another plane, constantly bettering ourselves, as we travel the channels of this universe and those which lie beyond.

Actually, no, that's all a lie. When someone dies, the rest of the family sets upon devouring them and burning whatever remains.

If we did have any sort of afterlife, though, it most certainly wouldn't involve WAITING AROUND ON A BLOODY RUSTED HULK OF A CRUISE SHIP!

Unless, of course, Julianna Marguiles were to show up in a wet t-shirt. In that case, sign me up for haunting duty. In her pants!

Oh, that certainly was ribald!