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Unlike my usual brilliant column in which I disembowel motion-picture releases with uncanny accuracy despite never having seen them, for this special Star Wars saga review section, I have actually subjected myself to the torture of watching all seven of George Lucas's monstrosities. Don't say I never did anything for you. Oh, I haven't, but don't you dare say it!

I shall tarry no longer, though. To the reviews!

STAR WARS: EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

The one that started it all. George Lucas finds the magic formula for box office success: midgets in metal cans + incest longings + hand dismemberment + John Williams ripping off Holst = $$$! Repeat, repeat, repeat!

This movie is deeply offensive to Superior lifeforms. The Cantina scene alone would've set human/alien relations back hundreds of years (if any aliens actually wanted to have any relations with humans). A bar full of non-human lifeforms and it's described as a "wretched hive of scum and villainy." The only things more offensive in this movie than that are the acting, the dialogue, the plot, and the directing.

Throw this one in the trash compactor, please!
STAR WARS: EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

This episode introduced Yoda to the series. Yoda is supposed to be the wisest creature in the galaxy and he is portrayed as a small green hand-puppet. Ludicrous, I say! Besides, everyone knows the wisest creature in the galaxy is I, Zonar the Superion!

Another newcomer in this installment is fan-favorite Boba Fett. I can see why Fett would be well-liked compared to a lot of other Star Wars characters - he hardly speaks! I appreciate that too after hearing a lot of the lines the rest of these idiots have to say.

This installment is widely-considered to be the best of the bunch, which is horrifying considering that that means I have to watch five more of these things that are probably worse somehow!

STAR WARS: EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI

Much has been made of how George is repeating themes used from classic mythology and the traditional hero's journey in his space saga, as if simply hitting these marks somehow equated Star Wars with The Iliad or The Arthurian Legend. There are no dancing teddy bears in The Odyssey, though, my friends. Sure, Beowulf kills Grendel and Luke slays the Rancor, but only one of them has to go the teddy bear's picnic afterward.

OK, I know mocking Return of the Jedi for including ridiculous cloying stuffed animals has been done a million times in the past. So let me switch for a moment to the plush blue elephant playing the keyboards, or the bargain-basement Gonzo at Jabba's tail, or the goldfish leading the assault on the death star. Is this a space action movie or a Disney cartoon? By the second musical number, is there really any point looking for a difference?

STAR WARS: EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

And now, Jar Jar Binks, a character introduced to make the Ewoks seem not so bad after all! Making fun of Star Wars by bringing up Jar Jar Binks is pretty obvious, but not mentioning him at all would be like talking about how awful Hitler was without bringing up all that genocide business.

But Binks bellyaching aside, there's so much to loathe about Episode I: Lucas takes 16 years off and his biggest innovations upon returning are mixing Star Wars with Nascar (and dumbing BOTH down as a result) and a lightsaber that is also "uh, like TWO lightsabers, man."

There are real-live breathing actors in this movie that are being out-acted by digital flying anteaters and midgets shaking trash cans. Amazing.

STAR WARS: EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES

From suffering through the original trilogy, I believed young Anakin Skywalker was supposed to be an immensely-likeable heroic figure, in order to make his fall to the dark-side seem sad and tragic. Instead we see him here as the sort of angsty disaffected teen whom people pray their kids don't try to make friends with. Try to listen to a single line spoken by Hadyn Christensen in this movie without wanting to slap him afterward. I dare you.

Lucas was concerned that his fans might not accept a movie with a romantic subplot. His fans worried that Lucas would write romantic dialogue with all the grace of Jabba the Hutt dancing Swan Lake on a greased ice-skating rink. Guess whose fears were more founded.

STAR WARS: EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

I haven't seen this many hands getting chopped off since I snuck into the kitchen at the local Pizza Hut.

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

What's this? Finally, real entertainment! Finally, the series introduces a female character with some sex appeal! After watching all six of the other movies featuring their petite, young brunettes, I was mighty glad to see the comely miss Bea Arthur in this installment singing to the patrons of the Cantina. I'd like to see that in a metal bikini, I can tell you that for free. Oh, she's no Angela Lansbury, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating Wookiee Ookiees either.

Everything about this installment is better than the others. The plight of Chewbacca's family as they wait for their patriarch to return for the Life Day celebrations is reminiscent of Beckett's work in "Waiting For Godot." Gone are the interminable space battles and lightsaber duels. Instead, we are treated to a study in patience and sorrow among a clan of hairy beasts who do not speak English. The subtle melancholy of old Itchy the Wookiee is haunting and heartbreaking.

Finally, a Star Wars movie that is a Life Day gift to us all.