March 2006 | Volume 1, Issue 3
It's March, the month that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.
This is the same way Cap'n Wacky's last girlfriend described his romantic
prowess.
"Well, a job is a job is a job is what my Pappy always telled me. They
says cousin Brodie is my boss now, but I ain't scared of him. I remembers
one time at a family reunion when he was about 12 or somethin' he cried
like a dang ol' baby when they tried to force him to enter the pig
slapping competition. He tries to tell me whats to do and I'll slap him
upsides with my shovel. Also they told me I was gonna haft to shovel a
lotta bull, so I wanted to bring a shovel I was already well-aquainted
with. I love this shovel more than any women, including momma."
If you'd like to greet Ched in person, just take the elevator to the
second floor, turn left and then left again down the first hallway. His
office is the one with "Public Relations" stenciled on the window. It's
also identifiable as the one with the Trans-am up on cinder-blocks in
front of it and the smell of burnt pig hair coming from within.
ITEM: We hear former V.P. of Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick has also
landed a new job as the assistant manager of the late shift of the Yogen
Fruz inside the bus station. Congratulations, Gary, and please stop
calling the office!
ITEM: March is Black History Month! Look to the corkboard next to the
cafeteria entrance for a new profile of an historical African American
individual each week this month. And they won't all just be George
Washington Carver and Oprah, either. We made Carter Winslow put some
actual effort into this.
ITEM: We've just been informed that February was actually Black History
month. Sorry. Nevermind.
ITEM: You know, I could just go back and delete both of those items and no
one would even know we screwed up. That would make more sense wouldn't
it? Oh well.
THIS MONTH'S EMPLOYEE HEATH TIP from Human Resources head Dolly Saunders:
Drink lots of water! Water is good for you! Did you know that you are
made up of 80% water? You are! You'd think that would be enough, right?
But no. Doctors say you should still drink lots of water anyway! Maybe
they want us to get it up to like 90, 93% - that's a lot of water! I
wonder if Aquaman has a higher percentage of water in him than most
people. Maybe that's why he's such a good swimmer! Remember: if you DO
start drinking lots more water, you do not receive additional employee
bathroom break allotments. Learn to hold it in, or bring an empty jug to
keep under your desk. Water!
THE PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: Mr. Brockie says: "Some advice to you
do-it-yourselfers out there. Remember this St. Patrick's Day that
Shamrock Shakes do not actually contain shamrocks in them. False
advertising. Live and learn, I guess. Well, I'm off to make grasshopper
pie!"
ITEM: We have a new Director of Public Relations! Please join us in
welcoming Ched "Pea-Pod" Brockie to the Amalgamated Humor team! Selected
from a pool of hundreds of qualified applicants, Ched recently nearly
graduated from the Roy Clark Skool of Publik Realashions. In a remarkable
coincidence, Ched is also the second-cousin of Amalgamated Humor
Co-President Brodie Brockie! What a small world we live in! Asked if he
was excited about working for his relative's company, Ched had this to
say:
