April 2006 | Volume 1, Issue 4
1. Get plenty of rest the night before.
ITEM: While we're on the subject, the cafeteria will NOT be serving
decorated Easter eggs this month. If you see unusually colored eggs
available, please do not eat them or report them to the health department.
Actually, this goes for any month, really.
We will be unable to temporarily relocated the records department as they
requested, so employees in that department and anyone planning to visit
them may want to bring headphones and/or earplugs so as not to be driven
mad by the near constant shrieking.
ITEM: Employees wishing to take the day off for the funeral of R&D
department head Werner Eichelberger must use one of their personal days
for the time off as the company WILL remain open, contrary to rumors.
There will be no burial since there are no remains, so you might just need
to take a half day.
PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: Co-President Mr. Brockie says, "to me, EVERY Friday
is a good Friday! Ha ha! Get it? TGIF, right everybody? Ha ha! I'm one
of you! Love me!"
ITEM: Easter is coming this month, so don't forget to prepare your kids
for the company's annual Extreme Easter Egg Hunt (to be held on April 9).
Some tips for kids preparing to compete:
2. Load up on carbs.
3. Remember: bears can smell fear.
4. If you get caught in one of the traps, call for help. Don't try to
chew off your leg and keep egg-hunting.
5. Winners don't cry. Criers don't win.
ITEM: The entire hallway leading to the Research and Development
department's offices remains closed following and incident in which our
R&D scientists accidentally opened a portal to a dimension populated by
demonic tentacled sperm-whale sized monstrosities last Thursday. The
portal is only approximately 8 feet in diameter, so there is NO danger of
the monsters actually coming through the portal, but their tentacles most
certainly can. Best to just stay away until we can bring the priests in
next Tuesday.
THIS MONTH'S EMPLOYEE HEATH TIP from Human Resources head Dolly Saunders:
Smoking is still bad for you! Sure, Hollywood tough guys make smoking
look cool, but those guys are tough enough to never get cancer. You're
not! You're probably not even cool. Scientists can make disposable razor
with five blades, they can drive a robot on mars, and open up portals to
demon-squid dimensions, but we can't get a delicious and sexy nicotine
dispensing device that won't give us bad breath and put us in the ground.
I hate scientists. Damn you, Werner. I never got to tell you I loved
you. I hope those beasts really did kill you because I can't sleep
thinking about the alternative.
ITEM: New Director of Public Relations, Ched "Pea-Pod" Brockie, had an
exciting fist month with the company! At his first question and answer
question with the press, he simply scared the gathered members of the
fourth estate away by firing a shotgun into the air and yelling "All y'all
git off my damn lawn, y'hear!?" Great start, "Pea-Pod!"
