You're not going to BELIEVE this... Blofeld just came into the beasemtn a few minutes ago and handed me... the list. It was just a simple piece of paper with hand written notes on it... the evil genius spoke just these words... "Here's what you've been looking for." I looked down at the paper and saw... the names listed for the films and individuals who will be winning the major Oscars this Sunday night!

I looked up to ask the villian how he got the list... but he was already gone. Now... normally this is the sort of scoop I'd need some kind of extra varification on... but Blofeld is one of the real insiders here at It Ain't Cool in the Basement News... I trust him completely. So now... without further ado... with no more over-dramitizing... with no more uneeded tension-building... Here... is the... list...

BEST PICTURE - Blofeld indicates it's going to be a surprise victory for the martial arts art film... SQUATTING KITTY, PEEKING MONKEY! I had hoped so, but I'm surprised!

BEST ACTOR - Looks like Ned Ferris will finally be taking home the gold... for his portrayal of tortured painter PICASSO in COULD YOU REPEAT THAT ON MY RIGHT?

BEST ACTRESS - America's sweetheart Julie Bobbs looks to be a lock for her portrayal of a legal assistant with large breasts in I MAY HAVE LARGE BREASTS, BUT I WILL BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - Here BLOFELD has simply written in "that Mexican guy." I think I know who he means... you know... that one guy.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - And no surprise here... it's respected veteran actress ANN SOUTHERN taking home the award.

BEST DIRECTOR - Steve Sodaman swept all of the nominations for five of the fourteen films he directed this year: I MAY HAVE LARGE BREASTS, BUT I WILL BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BOY WE SPEND A LOT ON DRUGS AND THERE CERTAINLY ARE A LOT OF DRUGS, LOOK AT THE TALL GUY, I ATE A SANDWICH and THE TERRIFIED BUTLER. Blofeld has Francis Ford Coppola as the winner.

ORIGINAL SONG - Looks liek it's the Disney folks, with "Friend, You Are My Friend," from RETELLING OF ETHNIC LEGEND WE HOPE DOESN'T GET US PROTESTED #35, written and performed by Sting

So... there you have it. The only reason left to watch Sunday night is the hauntingly beautiful dance numbers.

Now, again, I don't know how Blofeld scored this scoop... perhaps when he reads this he'll post an explanation in BACKTALK below... be sure to read it and see!