Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE
And now, at long last, the results of Zonar's Spare Humanity contest. Last
month, Zonar asked you to send in reasons why he shouldn't signal the
Superion Invasion Force to attack Earth, destroying and/or enslaving all
humans thereon. The letter that best expressed reasons why humanity should
be spared the crushing metaphorical boot of Superion would get its pick of
any item from The Zonar Store! And now, here's Zonar:
Hello, poop machines! Zonar has gone through all the letters sent to him
pathetically begging for mercy and selected a contest winner. Before I
reveal the winning entry, however, let me respond to pleas from the
non-winners (or, as I prefer to call them, big fat losers).
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Meet Zonar
Name: Zonar Race: Superion Home Planet: Superion Flesh: Green Eyes: Bulging and orange Teeth: Pointy Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific. Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys." Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head. Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything. Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello" Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing. |
Hey Zonar,
We only have one more Episode of the Star Wars films to go. All I want to see is how Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader and then... eh, screw it, Zonar. Put us out of our misery.
J
Dear Single Letter Nomenclature,
Indeed. I attended a screening of Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of: the Colons and almost feared that the movie was so moronic it might suck out some of my own superior intelligence like a digitally-projected black hole of stupidity (of course, it did not).
I did think it was silly, however, when some humans complained that this episode, again, played into offensive racist stereotypes. True, human beings were portrayed as weak, morally and romantically bankrupt with a penchant for speaking cumbersome dialogue in wooden tones, but I find this to be a fairly accurate representation. If anything, the humans were not portrayed as dumb enough! I found it laughable that a human being was portrayed as the head of the Galactic Senate, but I assume that's just because no Superions would allow themselves to be associated with the project.
Zonar doesn't like the sand. It's coarse and rough and kitties poop in it. Now have sex with me, Natalie Portman!
clone this,
Zonar the Superion
I haven't even had sex yet! Please don't kill me!
Dear Too Cranked Up To Even Sign His Missive,
How long do you expect me to wait, pal? My patience may be superior, but it is not infinite!
not yours,
Zonar the Superion
The time just isn't right. At least wait until the Dragonball Z movie is released!
Dear Another Person Who Neglected To Include a Simple Salutation,
Weird as I find it that you poor creatures are required by your biology to produce poo, I at least understand it. What I'll never understand is you need to commit that poo to celluloid.
zing,
Zonar the Superion
Think of the children!
Dear Third Person in a Row Who Can't Grasp the Basics of Letter Writing,
Oh, I assure you I am.
laughing maniacally,
Zonar the Superion
I'll give you a reason not to destroy the human race...
Because I'm holding your momma hostage and if you try anything I'll hop right into my car and drive all the way to Michigan just to recycle her ass for a dime. I'm sure she'll make a nice athletic cup.
- "Iron Balls" McGinty
Dear "Compensating" McGinty,
I'm not sure why I'm even bothering to respond to this. If you really had the old bag when you wrote this, odds are you are no longer alive to receive this reply. If, by some miracle, you're telling the truth and still have my accursed mater in your filthy palms, I beg you not to go through with this plan only because I would hope you could really apply yourself and think of something worse.
But you're dead by now.
almost pitying you,
Zonar the Superion
It's a lonely universe without having someone inferior to hate. Spare us, please. Also, give us a chance and we just may annihilate ourselves in nuclear holocaust, saving you time and energy while also being absolutely hilarious to watch in reverse-replay. (The Martians have been patiently banking on this for decades!)
your insolent slave,
-Abrian
Dear Abrian,
I assure you even without you humans, Superions are never at a lack of inferior beings to hate. The universe is lousy with them.
Take the Martians you mention, for example. They may claim to be waiting for you all to annihilate yourselves, but in truth they simply lack the cognitive capacity to do it themselves. Martians mostly sit around all day getting baked and saying things to each other like "Dude, have you noticed how freaking RED this place is? It's freaking me out!"
Intergalactially,
Zonar the Superion
If you destroy us then there will be nothing left for you to mock on your web site. Besides us humans will do a fine job of destroying ourselves and then you can just sit back and watch CNN while eating popcorn watching all the bloddy horrific fun.
Peter T. O'Brien
Dear PT-OB,
That's the second letter in a row encouraging me to just wait until you humans inevitably destroy yourselves (and there were several more I'm ignoring!). Look, I've seen a couple of your human Jerry Bruckheimer movies, so I know you all think your explosions look really cool, but I assure you I much prefer the sight of the human skeleton growing neon green from within a still-living, but quickly dying human body. Oh, we make some pretty weapons on Superion.
bloddy,
Zonar the Superion
THE SUPERION INVASION FORCE SHOULD AVOID INVADING EARTH AND ZONAR SHOULD REFRAIN FROM ENCOURAGING SAID INVASION BECAUSE THE SUPERIONS WOULD BE WIPED OUT.
SIGNED, THE ANTI-ZONAR, ANTI-SUPERION GUERRILLA COALITION LOCATION OF MEETINGS; WHEREVER ZONAR CAN'T FIND US ATTACHED LIST OF OFFICERS; NOT A CHANCE, ZONAR! NUMBER OF MEMBERS; CLASSIFIED
DEAR GEEKS IN A CLUBHOUSE,
THE ANTI-ZONAR, ANTI-SUPERION GUERRILLA COALITION SHOULD GO OUT AND PLAY WHILE THEY STILL CAN.
LOCATION OF MEETINGS: PARENT'S BASEMENT LIST OF OFFICERS: SEE ALSO, LIST OF OFFICERS AT SCHOOL MAGIC THE GATHERING CLUB NUMBER OF MEMBERS: I IMAGINE YOU'RE ALL MEMBERS, IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING.
OH, I SEEM TO HAVE HIT CAPS LOCK. There, that's better.
perceptively,
Zonar the Superion
Dearest Zonar:
You strike me as a theater goin' Superion. I can just picture you sauntering about Broadway or the West End, tell me if I'm wrong. But because of this assumption I have made this conclusion: you must have watched the Tony's. I believe that there was a show produced and performed on Broadway this last season that would appeal to you. It's called Urinetown. Yes, the infamously renown musical about people who have to pay to pee. I thought this musical correctly portrayed your view of humans.
Now, to my plea:
I ask you to stay simply because the human race is not capable of surviving without you. You give such valid and insightful advice that you are the one ray of hope, the one thread of joy, the simple tinkle of laughter, that brings sanity and morality to an otherwise debase and uncivilized world. Zonar, please stay. Not just for me, but for the human race which I speak for. Or if you must go, I ask that you take me with you, for life without you would me meaningless. I would hang myself on my little brothers bunk bed if you left and did not take me with you.
Please say. You are wanted, needed, and loved.
Hopefully Yours,
Bartholomew
Dear Mr. Cubbins,
You seem to be suffering from a couple of misconceptions. Indeed, Zonar SHOULD be a fan of the stage. I do enjoy a jaunty tune or moving melody, but perhaps you haven't noticed that ALL of Broadway is currently Urinetown. I've entertained thoughts of visiting the Great White Way for some theatrical diversions a few times, but of late it seems as though every show except the aforementioned is either based on a children's cartoon, mediocre film, or is a revival of a play that was popular back when the plays weren't all based on broadways plays or mediocre films.
Last time I called for tickets, my options were "Bambi" with music by Bryan Adams and lyrics by Tim Rice, "The Breakfast Club: The Musical", some nonsensical fever dream Andrew Lloyd Webber had while coked up in the 70s, or "Carousel" starring Rosie O'Donnell as Billy Bigelow. I think not.
Also, you seem to be under the impression that I'm simply considering leaving. You missed the bit about me calling in an invasion fleet that will rain down hellfire on your miserable dung-covered planet. I assure you, being lonely after I'm gone is the least of your worries.
with a song in my heart,
Zonar the Superion
EARTH IS HOME OF YOU HOBBIE YOU FOOL!
Also if you killed all humans, who will you make fun of
Rusty Burke,
King of the United States of America
Dear Rusty Bike,
I'll make this short as you appear to be a fan of brevity. Things to get to know better: spelling, punctuation.
Calling Earth my "HOBBIE" is like calling Evander Hollyfield's "HOBBIE" getting his ear bitten off.
briefly yours,
Zonar the Superion
Zonar,
I feel there is only one reason you should spare humanity. If you killed us all, there would be no one to read your column and you would fall into the void that many other less-intelligent-then-you celebrities have fallen into. And no one would be there to buy your merchandise. However, if you do not find this a good enough reason, go ahead and wipe out the lot of us. I certainly wouldn't mind a few people being whacked from this place.
His Majesty Onslo Wallace
The Republic of North Antarctica
Dear Oslo,
Oh, no one buys my merchandise anyway.
I hate you all.
sincerely,
Zonar the Superion
NEXT WEEK: The "winner" revealed!
Looking for past Zonar columns? CLICK HERE
Or, special Grove, Oklahoma edition CLICK HERE
Or, special Valentine's edition CLICK HERE
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