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NAME: RJ "Mr." White POSITION: Co-President DUTIES: Cleaning up after others' screw-ups, getting angry, throwing things LIKES: Layoffs, meetings, lawsuits (outgoing) DISLIKES: Employees, lawsuits (incoming), RJ White FAVORITE BEVERAGE: Anything just shy of paint thinner that can help him erase the memory of his life for a few brief, shining hours each evening. REGRETS: Are you kidding? Let's just say being born, so you don't have to read the entire list. |
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NAME: Brodie H. Brockie POSITION: Co-President DUTIES: Figurehead, ribbon-cutting, schmoozing, glad-handing THINGS MR. BROCKIE SECRETLY BELIEVES: his teeth are sharper than they need be, Gene Shalit can see him through the TV, there is no Australia, things could get worse THINGS MR. BROCKIE SECRETLY FEARS: Everyone is really a robot, everyone else is really a snake monster, snakes coming up through the toilet, RJ White, Gene Rayburn's corpse will rise from the dead to bite him in the face, things will get worse, colored ketchup, pager earrings, kitty diapers, the monkey-powered humidifier, Taste-O-Vision, reversible shoes |
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NAME: Gary Newbrunswick POSITION: Vice President of Public Relations WHEN HE WAS LITTLE, DREAMED OF BEING: Firefighter, astronaut, great novelist, sword swallower, insect wrangler, mafia whistle-blower CAREER HE NEVER EXPRESSED INTEREST IN: Public relations PROUDEST MOMENT ON THE JOB: None. PHRASES MOST FREQUENTLY SPOKEN IN PUBLIC: "We deny," "We apologize," "We regret," "Unfounded accusations," "no recollection," "no comment," and "ozone schmozone." PHRASE MOST SPOKEN IN PRIVATE: "Bourbon, straight" |
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NAME: Dolly Saunders POSITION: Human Resources QUOTE: "Some people who know me outside of work will say that they imagine the worst part of my job has to be announcing firings or layoffs. These are people who, clearly, have never met any of my co-workers." PICK-UP LINE SHE'S HEARD A MILLION TIMES: "You're in human resources, eh? How would you like to see MY human resources?" |
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NAME: Gordy Schwartz POSITION: Head Mail Room Clerk/Host of Reader Postcards USUAL DISPOSITION: Grumpy SPIRIT ANIMAL: The goat PET PEEVES: Mail with insufficient postage, Mail with wrong address, Mail not addressed to anyone's specific attention, junk mail, mail that is ticking, mail that is powdery, mail that is ablaze, mail, children AFRAID: E-mail may eventually rob him of this job he hates |
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NAME: Veronica Acropolis POSITION: Head of Restaurants and Hat Stores, Midwest Division REASON SHE STUDIED BUSINESS: Inspired, as a girl, by the wacky hijinks and madcap capers enjoyed by the gang on "The Facts of Life" after they opened their gift shop. RESULT: Disappointment COMMON ANNOYANCE: Mr. Brockie calling to suggest she combine both of her usual enterprises into a restaurant/hat store to be advertised with the slogan "If you don't like our prices, we'll eat our hats!" |
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NAME: Skeky "Ralph" Brockie POSITION: Co-Founder (deceased) INVENTIONS INCLUDE: The Dribble Kitty, The Bath Radio, The Soak-Resistant Sponge, The Break Away Helmet, The Confetti-Shooting Fire Extinguisher QUOTE: "If I had a nickel for every brilliant idea I've had, I wouldn't have very much money. Luckily, they've paid a lot more than a nickle so I'm some kind of millionaire now!" BIG SCARE: Lost his shirt during the stock market crash of 1929. Found he had accidentally put it on the same hanger as his favorite jacket. He was unnerved though, because this was his lucky shirt. |
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NAME: Ichabod Lancaster White IX POSITION: Co-Founder (deceased) INVENTIONS INCLUDE: Mustard gas, extra flammable hydrogen, asbestos, long-burning hydrochloric acid, low-sodium pentathol, PCB-based food additives, carcinogenic flavor enhancers for various kinds of jam. RELIGION: Calvinist. UNREALIZED DREAM: Develop method to use bodies of the poor and indigent as a low-cost fuel source. HATED: Mr. Brockie, dogs, President Roosevelt (both), children (own and others'), wife, self. |
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NAME: Heinrich Flimminhoffer POSITION: Former President (deceased) WHO's THAT NOW: Flimminhoffer was the ultra-conservative ex-German head of the company throughout the 1960s and 70s. HATED: Hippies, free love, rock and roll, swingers, all popular culture, puppies, surprises, frisbees, the French, dogs that catch frisbees, people playing frisbee at the beach, frisbee golf, Friz Frieling, culottes SENSE OF HUMOR: For the head of a comical novelty company, not much seemed to amuse Flimminhoffer. However, he professed great enjoyment of the comedic musical stylings of Spike Jones, whose sound-effect soaked tunes he would often blare and thundering decibels from his office. THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER: Even after his storied demise, few employees were willing to say too much about Flimminhoffer. One underling, night janitor Fenwick Brizbain, mentioned to the obituary writer that Flimminhoffer's laugh "sounded like an ice pick being dragged along a chalkboard covered in metal filings. It wasn't a sound you heard often, and once you did you were glad of that fact." |
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NAME: Arthur Fetzenberg POSITION: Cartoonist (deceased) WHAT HE DID: The artist who created the look of Cap'n Wacky ADVICE ONE CAN GLEAN FROM HIS LIFE: Always read the fine print. After leaving (being fired from) Amalgamated Humor, Fetzenberg never created another cartoon or comic character. Why? He was informed by the Amalgamated Humor lawyers of a clause in his old contract that the company would own any characters the artist created for the rest of his life, even if he was no longer employed with the company. Of course, that's completely illegal, but Fetzenberg wasn't a lawyer. What did he know? |