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NAME: Cap'n Shifty POSITION: Sea Cap'n, temporary usurper of Cap'n Wacky's positions in late 2000/early 2001, arch enemy HOBBIES: Plotting, scheming, back-stabbing WHY HE HATES US: Not entirely clear. Just seems to be brimming over with malice. Sometimes arch-enemies are just arch-enemies, they can't help themselves. FAVORITE VILLAINOUS CLICHES IN CAP'N-SPEAK: "Yar. You've not seen the last o' me," "We be two sides o' the same coin, says I," and "Laugh at me, will ye?" GOOD THING AMIDST THE BAD: Gorgeous falsetto singing voice |
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NAME: The Robot Kitties POSITION: Cuddly-looking Killing Machines HOBBIES: face-raking, disemboweling, blasting things with laser eyes, chasing string, napping in sunbeams WHY THEY HATE US: Programmed to GOOD THING AMIDST THE BAD: When they took over our corporate office, they drastically lowered the population of rats that had been infesting the building since we imported that cheap cheese for the 1993 Christmas party from Ratsylvania. |
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NAME: Carl Sagan POSITION: Former astronomer, now angry leader of robot kitty army WHY HE HATES US: Publicly embarrassed by the Cap'n on The Tonight Show as detailed in the Robot Kitty saga CURRENTLY: Licking wounds, plotting revenge, marveling at the wonder of the cosmos. GOOD THING AMIDST THE BAD: Lovely quiche he bakes us each Christmas are very tasty if you don't eat enough for the poison to take effect. |
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NAME: The Bent Dragon POSITION: Rival Comedy Site (defunct) WHY THEY HATED US: What's not to hate? AVERAGE READERS: Shut-ins, mouth-breathers, kittens left at home with the computer still on, Bent Dragon writers, Jesse Ball. GOOD THING AMIDST THE BAD: Once they start selling lots of those T-shirts named for one of our corporation presidents, we can sue them for millions! Any time now. Any time. |
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NAME: Cap'n Crunch POSITION: Cereal Shill WHY HE HATES US: Sick of being the second most beloved corporate mascot Cap'n in America. In your face, Crunch! Choke on it! GET A LOAD OF: This jerk's hat. Nice. Where did you get you Cap'n certification, cereal boy? Are you a Cap'n or an Admr'l? Get it straight! GOOD THING AMIDST THE BAD: Has trouble sneaking up on us due to overwhelming scent of sugar and rotting milk. |
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NAME: Butchie Dinknater POSITION: Local Bully WHAT HE DOES: This boy, who lives next door to our corporate headquarters, is always stealing lunch money from our employees, egging our windows, and knocking important papers out of Mr. White's hands. WHY HE HATES US: Combination of difficulty socializing, awkward maturation stages, and desire to take out frustrations of a difficult home life on others. Either that or he's just a little prick. GOOD THING AMIDST THE BAD: Knowing that he will grow up slow-witted and poorly educated, forcing him to take a soul-numbing low-paying job, likely in one of our offices or factories. |